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Never Paint a Moustache On A Warrior Princess

A story of impractical jokes; an apology to a certain Webmistress

by

Kamouraskan

Disclaimer: This story uses characters from the television show Xena: Warrior Princess. There is no copyright infringement implied. Several bards aided me in this story, but for their sakes I won't name them this time. Not even Lawlsfan.

Spoilers: This occurs during season five and refers to incidents from several episodes

Danger! Warning!: Two women in Love! With each other! Horrors! PG 13

Warning: Joxer bashing. I've just read three stories where he and Gabrielle are a couple and in reaction to that I think he may die at the end of this one. Painfully. Should I also mention I saw Married with Fishsticks before writing this?

Disclaimer: This story uses characters from the television show Xena: Warrior Princess. There is no copyright infringement implied. Several bards aided me in this story, others I just ripped off. This should not imply support for this 'work'. Though I do thank Lawlsfan. Blindzon Elyzon, Claire Withercross, Cath, Stacia Seaman, my best friend Lariel, Anne Braxton and the over 100 readers who wrote to encourage me to finish this. Feed the bards people, it really makes a difference.

Spoilers: This occurs part way through season five and refers to incidents from several episodes

Danger! Warning!: Two women in Love! With each other! Horrors! PG 13

Warning: Joxer bashing. I've just read three stories where he and Gabrielle are a couple and in reaction to that he will die at the end of this one. Painfully. (Sorry Scribe) Should I also mention I saw Married with Fishsticks and Forget Me Not before writing this?

Part Two

Where were we?

It was still a nice day. Really.

Now in that time, in that region, there were shepherds...ahh, but that's another story. There were also three very specific individuals who were quite interested to discover that a certain blonde was presently near Potadaia. Each of these had arranged to be enlightened should the former bard ever pass through.

Now our first nefarious character was a dark and mysterious enchanter... and we'll call him....ahhhh...Tim. For completely random reasons, we'll call him Tim. ( Okay, so it's John Cleese with an ourrrrrageous Scottish accent, dressed as Fu Manchu.) His interest in Gabrielle dated back to a story she had once told about being attacked by a vicious rabbit. His interest in the rabbit dated forward to the vastly technologically superior 5th century where he had originally come from. Quite correctly, he blamed this bunny for his presence in the primitive past as he had traveled there by that well known and traditional method of following it and falling down a rabbit hole.

(The same rabbit would later on lure a mathematician named Dodgeson to this same fate, though by that time the immortal bunny, had grown fat and somewhat obsessive about time. But that's another story too. )

But while we're on the subject of favorite children's stories? Lately I have this nightmare about ubers. You know. Young spunky, talkative girl comes into the life of hard but strong older woman? Shows her what love is? If any Bards out there are considering doing an Uber based on Anne of Green Gables, Stop it Right Now. Because I really don't want to see Marilla and Anne getting it on. And I know that Joxer will inevitably be Matthew. And Jo and Beth March doing the nasty, is Right Out!)

Now Tim had accepted being trapped in the Xenaverse with little grace and regarded anything concerning this rabbit with all the casual interest of Ahab hoping to make a luncheon date with Moby Dick. Despite this obsession, he had in the meanwhile built a rather lucrative business of blowing up stumps for farmers while maintaining his bachae bunny slayering weapons. He sharpened staves, made silver daggers, and he had found a regular supply of what he thought of as Holy water, which was produced by a long slow aging process in oak casts. He was outstanding in field when a young village lad came to breathlessly tell him that there be bards here.

But one detail confused him. "What you mean to say, laddie, is that she transformed from a grrreat wolf, eh?"

This bright young lad shook his head

"Perhaps a large black bat with fangs," and he illustrated this with his fingers at the sides of his mouth while growling and snarling.

The bright young lad continued to smile, but at the same time being a bright young lad, backed slowly away. However he still remembered to put out his hand for his payment.

Following the traditions of his Ancestors, Tim tried to ignore the hand and began to gather up his slayer equipment, until the boy's smile became particularly forced and Tim was forced to acknowledge it. "You want a tip?" There was an enthusiastic nod from the boy.

The enchanter grabbed the last few wooden stakes, tucked them into his pants and advised, "If you ever have an urge to moove to Pompeii, dunna doo it."

Now that clutch of guys who had been pressed close to the door of the tavern had begun to unclench. And to sidle their way ever so cautiously, but ever much closer to where Xena was sitting. Thus proving that a tavern full of drunks will put the moves on anyone, even a deadly shape-shifter if there's enough liquor in them.

Now Xena was at this point was realizing that no matter how proficient with deadly weapons Gabrielle might had become, she was still cute. Which meant that Xena was now, well, cute. And the boys were moving closer, but with such feckless smiles that Xena could barely find it in herself to tear off their jaw bones. In fact, to her disgust, she found herself smiling ingratiatingly at them. Though inwardly cursing this niceness that she seemed to be inflicted with, she still had to contend with the matter of returning this body intact. Something that getting into a large brawl (and skipping out without paying the tab) might make difficult. And if there was one thing Xena did not want to do, it was maltreat this body. No, keeping it pristine and unbruised was definitely a major consideration. So, she began to rack her memory for some of the different ways that Gabrielle had fended off drunks before.

So Tim arrived at the tavern to find Xena surrounded by this happy gang, smiling, laughing and generally still trying to figure out how to say no politely, without cracking skulls and bruising certain borrowed body parts. He strode in fingering his wooden stakes in his trousers and tried to evaluate the young blonde. He could not sense any taint of Baachae about her. (but since Gabrielle wasn't really "there" I am not challenging the Blood and Roses series, of course.)

Now here is one of those cases where a simple misunderstanding can occur. Tim assumed that he was making a tactful preliminary inquiry. What Xena saw, was this tall menacing figure caressing a large bulge in his pants, who leaned forward with a crazed look in his eyes and whispered in his exaggerated Scottish burr, "Have ye seen me bunny...?"

Oddly enough, Xena assumed that she didn't want to see his 'bunny'. She leapt up from the table, did a perfect flip in the air land landed smoothly behind him.

Or that was the idea.

Perhaps it was the too much alcohol for the body weight, or it only registered half way through the somersault that Gabrielle didn't DO flips, but she never really cleared the table, well actually, she did CLEAR the table, catching her foot on the edge of it and slamming down rather forcefully across it, spraining her ankle badly and striking her head, rolling unconscious onto the ground.

Going into full slayer mode, Tim quickly trussed the warrior up, and prepared to test his latest batch of Holy water on both of them, when he was stopped by a forceful, gravally voice that called from behind him: "Leave her alone. She belongs to me!"

*****

Gabrielle considered the limp form of Joxer. (I know, that's not what the girls at Meg's said, and yuck...how dark would it have to be, eh?) and wondered at her severity of her feelings of aggression. Surely wasn't the norm, even for Xena? But since I'm telling this story she shrugged and decided to go with it, slapping Joxer across the face. He opened his eyes to see Xena leaning over him looking concerned. Relaxing, he weakly said "Hi Xena."

The dark warrior smiled softly and said "I'm not Xena, Joxer. I'm Gabrielle."

Looking at the six foot of definitely Xena that was poised above him, Joxer emitted a high sort of peeping noise.

Gabrielle caught this and growled. She lowered her voice and spoke with precision. "Joxer.... I. Am . Gabrielle. Got that?

Joxer's smile looked like it had been formed with industrial clamps. Terrified, he nodded.

Gabrielle continued. "If you see Xena, you will tell her I had to go to Cyrene's. I'm going to pick up Eve, and then head for the tavern Aphrodite told us about."

Joxer took a deep breath. "Uh, Gab-ri-elle...? What will 'Xena' look like?"

Nearly vibrating with energy, Gabrielle shouted, "SHE'LL LOOK LIKE ME!!"

"But what if it's Meg?" Joxer thought that this was a reasonable point.

Gabrielle didn't, and she hauled him up and said loudly into his face. "I AM GABRIELLE.... IN XENA'S BODY. XENA IS IN MY BODY."

Gasping a little, he forced out "Ah....Gabrielle? I might find that easier to believe if you were acting like Gabrielle. And I don't think Gabrielle would be strangling me like this. "

Still holding him at eye level, Gabrielle stated somewhat more calmly, "Some of Xena's aggressiveness seems to come with the container."

Joxer swallowed. "Does this mean that Xena is in your body and...but then who would notice?"

Something deep inside the woman produced a low growl. "WHAT does THAT mean?"

There was another full Adam's apple bobbing swallow. "Well, ah, just that, ah, lately it's seemed like Xena had already taken over your body ..."

Giving him a series of shakes by the throat for puntuation, Gabrielle snarled, "LOOK! Just because I'm now more willing to FIGHT for what's IMPORTANT to me, doesn't mean I'm not the same SWEET, GENTLE, LOVING person I ALWAYS was."

Joxer cautiously pointed to the growing distance between the ground and his feet.

Gabrielle dropped him, mumbling before running off, "You could have a point." And he does. It's on his head.

*****

Xena came to, aware of the drag of a travois and that she was secured to it, traveling backwards. She tested the cords binding her 'Damn, who's got me, or at least Gabrielle, this time? If they harm a hair on her body....' Then she noticed the back of the head of the person sitting up front driving the team of plow horses. Our second adversary.

Another "oh no" escaped through her lips.

Herodotus turned about and smiled at what he thought was his runaway daughter. "I think this time you'll come home where you belong, missy, and this time you'll stay! Oh Yes! We'll soon have you straightened out, fattened up, and doing the things a proper girl should be doing. After a few months you'll think back on this as some terrible nightmare"

Even through the gag, Herodotus could hear : "NOOOOOOO!!!"

*****

Running hard, and leaving Joxer behind (wouldn't we all like to do that?) Gabrielle finally arrived at Cyrene's, puffing, eyes wide in near desperation. Having pointed rocks instead of breasts under your armor can do that to a girl.

Abandoning any attempt at being calm she burst into the inn shouting "WHERE IS THE BABY!!!"

Startled, Cyrene closed the door to her granddaughter's room. "Xena! She's sleeping! And what have you got on your face?"

Part two of the question was something Gabrielle did not want to deal with, and part one was a problem with an easy solution Gabrielle figured. "WAKE HER UP!", and she began to frantically unstrap her breast plating.

After pulling the blindly fumbling woman away from the eager urgings of her patrons, Cyrene fought back a smirk once she recognized the problem. "What are you in such a fuss about? Where's Gabrielle?"

Eyes darting about, Gabrielle decided to try to bluff through this. "I don't know, but she could be in trouble."

Cyrene chuckled softly. "Nothing new about that..."

It was the wrong thing to say. "What do you mean by THAT?"

Cyrene lifted the child out of the crib and brought her over to the now offended mother. "Don't you go jumping down my throat about Gabrielle, daughter. You know I love her almost as much as you do. But ..."

The relief Gabrielle felt as the suckling began was so great, she began to moan with pleasure. "Oh God's, that feels goooood! How soon can you swap breasts?"

Now, Xena had been breast feeding for some time, and this seemed to be a question being asked by a newcomer to the experience. Confused, Cyrene stared into the eyes of the warrior in front of her, and she noticed how they had quickly softened once they became completely occupied with the bundle nursing at her chest. Occams Razor was something that Cyrene had been forced to abandon a long time ago, and what was unbelievable for some, was just this week's letter home for her.

"Gabrielle?" the innkeeper asked wonderingly.

This stunned the bard. "How...How could you...?"

Shaking her head, Cyrene explained. "There are only two people that look upon my grandchild that way, and since you're not Xena, the other one usually is short and blonde."

Shifting Eve with one hand, the bard managed an outraged "I am NOT short!"

Cyrene looked up at the tall dark figure in front of her, and didn't fight a familiar smirk from forming.

"No, you're not, dear."

After doing a little more stepmother/daughter bonding, Gabrielle quickly explained the situation, Aphrodite, the moustache, and Cyrene convinced her that to keep questions to a minimum, 'Xena' should be riding Argo.

This required some convincing of Argo though. The conversation went something like this.

"Yes, it's ME. But you'll notice, this time the costume is slightly more convincing. Now you don't give me problems and I won't tell Xena that you let Callisto ride you the last time this happened. And HEY! Don't you DARE give me THAT look! You know that the only one she rode was YOU!"

Should I specify that Gabrielle is talking?

So with Eve strapped in the back, Gabrielle rode off to save her mate.

*****

Now several people have complained that this story is a little, well, relaxed. Lacksidasical. So we will now introduce a character with Drama. Drama with a capital D.

Our third adversary, Arachnia!

(Sure, maybe she looks like a young Captain Janeway with a squint, but the Spider Queen outfit, is being used by Lawlsfan and MaryD for when they get into those special formal Webmistress moods.)

All we see are the leather boots striding confidently across the village courtyard, (with help from the Firesign Theatre.)

<theme music from the Guns of the Magnificent Seven or Big Valley>

Striding forward ......Relentlessly....Ruthlessly <I wonder where Ruth is?> Doggedly <Ruff! Ruff!>

Towards her meeting with....her Destiny.

She picked up her stride, and after peering at it through squinting eyes, she dropped it quickly and walked directly into the massive tavern.

<Oomph, my nose!>

Groping for the door, her farsighted orbs behold a great golden mare charging towards her. Atop is her target, the mother of the bringer of the Twilight of the Gods! She takes her stance. Arms firmly on hips, she stands directly in the way of the charging horse. Because she's ready for anything, she's ready for the Warrior Princess, She's ... "I " Gabrielle dismounted with a flip (Eve velcroed to her back)"am Arachnia!" Gabrielle lands behind Arachnia "The Anvil of Athen-ack!" Gab straight-arms the woman's skull from the back and the erstwhile avenger collapses like a rotted tree.

"Uh...Sorry," Gabrielle hesitantly apologized. "You were going to attack me. Weren't you?"

Brushing the grit from her mouth, Arachnia nodded groggily while trying to raise herself.

"Good. I'm trying not to overreact, ya know?" Satisfied, Gabrielle gave the warrior a finishing shot to the head, leaving her lying there. She entered the tavern, which fell immediately fell silent. Talk about deja vu.

The innkeep scurried up to her, already prepared not to look at the ink moustache, and keeping his eyes carefully looking anywhere else.

Nevertheless, Gabrielle tried to adopt Xena's cold business-like glare. "Where's Gabrielle?"

"You mean, the cute bard?"

Gabrielle couldn't stop the blush. "Thank you."

The innkeeps eyes widened. Boy, was this warlord possessive! "What?"

Gabrielle tried Xena's steely-eyed stare number 4. "Never mind. Talk to me. You saw a bard in here?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"She here now?"

"Nope"

"Tell me what happened to the bard."

"Some guy grabbed her, all tied up, and just hauled her away."

"How long ago was this, sir?"

"Two and half candlemarks ago"

"You seem pretty sure."

"I was looking at the candle when it happened."

"Did he damage my, her body?"

Really possessive, the innkeep thought. "No no, he treated her real special. He tied her up and put on some blankets."

"Do you think you could recognize him again?"

"Just an old farmer. But..."

"Yes sir?"

"I recognized the cart."

"You recognized it, how?"

"The make."

"What make would that be, Sir?"

"It was a 44 Hermes."

Gabrielle's eyes widened slightly. "With Mag wheels?" Daddy?

"That's the one."

"Anything out of the ordinary happen?"

"Well, it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. First she looked like you, and then...she wasn't that way any more."

"Don't worry about it, she does stuff like that all the time."

"Really? Weird."

"She can be. I'm curious, though. How'd she react when she transformed?"

"She perked up and started ordering drinks."

A certain hardness entered into Gabrielle's voice. "She didn't go charging out of here, all upset?"

"Nope. Started pouring down our strongest port, chatting up the guys. Seemed pretty cheerful if you ask me.... So, you taking off after her?

Gabrielle thought about how she'd been riding all day, after hanging in a tree all morning. She thought about her father tying up Xena and taking her 'home',

And she smiled.

"You gotta room? All of a sudden I don't feel like there's any rush."

Gabrielle was just entering the room she'd been assigned when there was a loud WHOMP that made the walls of the inn shudder. Automatically Gabrielle reached for her sais, before she remembered the chakram. She peered cautiously from the side of the window just in time to watch Arachnia slide down the outer wall and land in a heap at the base. The avenger jumped up, shook her head a couple of times, and then ran over to a balanced board teetering in the middle of the square. She adjusted it slightly to point more towards Gabrielle's window, then picked up a heavy barrel and threw it at the far end of the board, launching herself into space. Gabrielle moved back and away from the window as the walls trembled again, this time much closer to the frame, making the shutters shudder. (Bards? See the difference? Shudder? Shutter? )

(Just another public service. Back to our story)

Gabrielle thought for a moment and then casually crossed the room and opened the door which opened onto the stairs. Outside, Arachnia was already making another minor modification. Gabrielle stood back with arms crossed and waited. She heard the sound of the barrel landing and Arachnia came flying through the window screaming "I am Arachnia the Ahhhhh!" Gabrielle watched with pursed lips as the avenger flew right across the room, out the door and tumbled down the stairs. Gabrielle strolled over and slammed the door shut, wincing slightly after each of the crashes, thumps and animal screeches.

The momentary silence was broken by a knock. It was the innkeep again, and he pointed hesitantly to the bottom of the stairs. "Is that yours?"

Gabrielle crossed her arms and stared down at the innkeep. "Nope."

The poor man looked at the unconscious avenger, and then back at the stonefaced, mustachioed warrior, and swallowed. "Wou.. would you like one? I mean, is there anything else I could get you?"

Gabrielle began to notice a subtle change in the energy she was feeling. It was becoming more intense with each moment and movement. A strangely familiar feeling... and one that usually required a Warrior Princess in full working order, privacy, and preferably lots of water.

Xena... It was then that the thought struck her. She had Xena, in a way. She turned again to the innkeep.

"You got a mirror, a big one, portable?"

The little man blinked. Twice. "How Big?"

"Big. As tall as me. Full length, I need it for when I take my bath..."