Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms

Never Paint a Moustache On A Warrior Princess

A story of impractical jokes; an apology to a certain Webmistress

by

Kamouraskan

Disclaimer: This story uses characters from the television show Xena: Warrior Princess. There is no copyright infringement implied. Several bards aided me in this story, others I just ripped off. This should not imply support for this 'work'. Though I do thank Lawlsfan. Blindzon Elyzon, Claire Withercross, Cath, Stacia Seaman, my best friend Lariel, Anne Braxton and the over 100 readers who wrote to encourage me to finish this. Feed the bards people, it really makes a difference.

Spoilers: This occurs part way through season five and refers to incidents from several episodes

Danger! Warning!: Two women in Love! With each other! Horrors! PG 13

Warning: Joxer bashing. I've just read three stories where he and Gabrielle are a couple and in reaction to that he will die at the end of this one. Painfully. (Sorry Scribe)Should I also mention I saw Married with Fishsticks and Forget Me Not before writing this?

Part Four

Only a few moments later, Seraphin and Xena heard running feet that stopped outside the door. Someone was yelling at Gabrielle's father." How does the Chorus, uh, the Militia stand?" 'Daddy' demanded

"You fool! She just tore through the altos and basses like cheap lyre strings! We're down to a couple of tenors", the messenger's attitude was a touch panic stricken, "and after that there's only sopranos between her and us!"

Herodotus' low mutter could be barely heard. "I don't understand. Didn't they tell her who they were?"

"She already knew who they were! She picked up poor Gendle like a toy, and reminded him of how he used to pull down Gabby's underwear in the village square. Then she sliced off his pants. When she saw he wasn't wearing anything underneath, she told him she'd just have to make do by taking something else off!' The messenger's tone then sounded a tad furtive. "That's when I decided to come back here to ummm, warn you."

Inside, Seraphin turned to Xena with eyes bright with delight. "Sounds like Gabrielle likes attending her school reunion as six feet of kick-ass."

Xena struggled under her cords. "Maybe too much. Look, Sera, this is becoming serious. You've got to let me up to see what's going on. She might do something she'd really regret."

Torn between what she saw as Gabrielle's chance at justice and a request from her new friend, Seraphin dithered before compromising. "I'm not untying you. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to prop you up by the window."

*****

Outside, things were getting very nasty, so of course, before you could say, comedy relief, oh, joy, Joxer was there. The goofus interposed himself between Gabrielle and a one time prom date. "Xena, He wheedled, "you don't want to hurt these people."

(I have no explanation for where he was until now or where he came from. I base his miraculous appearance entirely on the show. Until someone explains why he was in the Amazon village in Bitter Suite, or at the mountain in Fallen Angel, this makes perfect sense.)

Gabrielle clamped one hand onto his shoulder, and shoved him aside. "One of these days, Jox, you're going to be right, but it ain't today. Laughing boy here promised me a dance a while back, and instead I got covered with a bucket of pig's blood. So, I think a jig first, and then I return the favour. And guess..." she smiled cruelly, "...where the pig's blood is coming from?" Her potential victim made a slight peeping sound.

Even as he stumbled backwards, Joxer called to his new confederate, "Arachnia! Now!" (Has it been two chapters already?)

The descending net was sliced in two by Xena's sword before it even touched Gabrielle's shoulders. She changed direction and strode over to Arachnia, who dropped the remains of the netting, stood still, and closed her eyes. Perhaps Gabrielle meant to toss her indiscriminately to one side, but she ended up throwing her straight into Joxer.

(Okay. I admit it. I wrote myself into the story, and asked him to stand there. I must say that he was very polite, and cooperative.)

Oh. Remember the last time a skull struck Joxer's? That big thwok? This time as the Hammer of Athena and the Master of Mayhem collided there came a wondrous bell-like tone that stalled the battle for a brief moment as many Potadaians assumed lunch was being served somewhere. If only to squirrels.

But Gabrielle was ignoring the heaped bodies, because fun time was over. For the past several heartbeats, Gabrielle's eyes had never moved from one spot.

One man.

One average looking, middle-aged man holding a small sword in front of him. For some reason he remained secure in the belief that he had the words that would stay this beast. He spoke loudly enough for all to hear. "Stand and advance no further, woman. I was Gabrielle's teacher. I taught her to read."

There was a laugh of unpleasant origin, that bubbled up from her chest as Gabrielle continued to move forward. She had known anger before, but this was a pure fury, and she reveled in it, and the sensuous power and physical strength that seemed to be feeding off the wrath.

"Yes. That's right. You did that. You managed to find the one thing that would tempt a young girl into leaving her home at night. The one thing that would make her visit you. The one thing you believed that she would do anything for."

Too late, the man blinked and hesitantly began a retreat, for a firm hand shot out and grasped his collar and he was snatched upwards, then flung to the ground.

"Yes, you taught me." Gabrielle continued remorselessly. "You showed me the letters and words I craved. You made knowledge a bribe. Something that had to be paid for. So that you could touch, and seduce, you BASTARD!"

Now the terrified teacher managed to stand, and began to back away, screeching in fear. "Get away, you unnatural woman!" But there was no mercy, only an ugly sneer, on the warrior princess's face and she continued to advance towards him.

"You son of a bitch. You dare to tell me what's abnormal?"

Seraphin had managed to maneuver the cot up against the wall. and Xena was watching in shock through the window as her own fist smashed into a middle aged man. Who flew across the courtyard to crash through a drying table.

"No more", he whispered from the wreckage to the tower of anger above him.

"You're damned right no more". And Gabrielle unsheathed the sword to hold it high. Both hands gripped the hilt, her body singing with the anticipation of the thrust into his heart. She spat out, "No more little girls for you."

Xena may have meant to cry 'Gabrielle' but instead, like an echo of so many times past, she screamed to her partner, "XENA! NO!"

What did Gabrielle think as she heard that cry? Was she thinking of all the deaths she had been responsible for? From Meridian to the latest one only days before? Even picturing herself ever so carefully cleaning that last bit of clotted blood from her sais? Would this killing make any difference? Sure there was no justification of the greater good, or even Eve or Xena to defend. There was still the excuse of any potential future victims.... No. She couldn't fool herself. This was very, very personal. Xena would understand.

"I trusted you, and you betrayed me," she growled. Once again the sword was raised to thrust and twist it inside of his chest.

As she prepared to strike, her eyes were drawn instead across the lane to see her partner's face framed in a low window, a silent 'no' on her lips. Like some apparition of her youthful self. She faltered under that judgment, and instead dropped the sword to the ground and followed it, falling to her knees, as the school teacher scrambled away.

And Xena? Seeing the blood lust that she had never wanted Gabrielle to experience actually personified in her own figure and face, felt inside herself a outburst of horror and fear that Gabrielle had once known watching her in action. The fear that the young farmer's daughter had somehow overcome for the sake of friendship. Did another piece of the puzzle finally fit into place for both of them?

So even as Gabrielle knelt in the dirt, there was a rushing of wind, and Aphrodite was there, holding her. Gabrielle thought that there were tears in both of their eyes and she fought her body's negative response to the embrace, needing comfort desperately. She mumbled brokenly, "I don't want to play this game any more."

Holding Gabrielle tenderly, the Goddess said "I'm sorry, Gabster. It's okay. You wanted to know what it was like to be Xena. I thought.... What you've been doing lately... all your doubts about your way and hers. You needed to know..."

The Goddess gathered Herself. "And everybody heard what that scumbucket did. One way or another he's finished, I swear." She lifted Gabrielle's head up to look into the tear filled and exhausted eyes, ignoring the mustache and goatee. "It's almost over now. Just one teeny last little thing." She pulled Eve from the backpack, and teased the child with a gentle finger. Seeing her child in the hands of a God brought an unreasoning fear to Gabrielle's heart, but a quick look at the expression on the Goddess' face soothed her. The suspicion hadn't gone unnoticed, but the Aphrodite only grinned.

"Hey, if I wanted to, I coulda. Even I can conjure up a fireball, you know. But friends don't do that, do they?"

Gabrielle felt the tears rise again, and she shook her head.

The Goddess continued. " I think this munchkin should be with someone else for a bit while you and the warrior babe finish up. How bout if I take the wee one out of the line of fire? You make the call where I take her, okay?"

The part that was Gabrielle in the warrior's body accepted this truth and asked "You can do that? You won't get in any trouble with Family?"

Aphrodite gave the tall woman a punch on the shoulder. "That is so sweet. Worried for me? That's the sweatpea I know and love."

By the way, this exchange wasn't going unnoticed by Xena, still helpless and tied to the now upright cot. No, Xena was definitely glued to the spectacle of the Goddess of Love's successful comforting of her soulmate. In fact, Xena was getting a big taste of the jealousy that could drive a woman to travel to Chin about this time.

Unaware of the green eyed watcher, Gabrielle was thinking out loud. "Maybe you could take her to my Mom.... oh God's. That would be an explanation and a half..."

"Hel-loo! Who better to make it than the Goddess of Love?"

"To MY mom? uh..."

"You don't think I can handle it."

"It's just...."

"Come on, Sweetie? This is the Goddess talking. I can do this. Impress a couple of mortals? Give me a break."

"No tricks? Just because we're...?"

"Buds? Yeah. Still trust me?"

Gabrielle nodded. "I'd feel better if you would you tell me what this final teeny little thing we have to do to get our own bodies back is, and why Eve can't be there."

"Honey. You two needed to know how it felt to be the other one, soooooo... I'm the Goddess of Love.. What do you think will end it?"

Still feeling only fatigue, Gabrielle looked on without comprehension.

The Goddess sighed. "Ya know, sometimes I think I need to have the University of Illinois Marching Band to spell stuff out for you, but since that body of yours will be sending the brain a message soon... I'll just go and be Goddess like, okay? Later!"

Gabrielle was still puzzling over Aphrodite's remarks when just as predicted, somewhere a little bell went off. One that sounded like: 'Hey Warrior! You've just knocked out fifteen guys, and had to be restrained from killing a child molester. Now it's Miller Time!'

"Ahhhhhhh!"

*****

Moments later, (back at the farm), Hecuba came striding in carrying a certain child and set right into slapping her husband about the arms and shoulders. "Hero! They're married!"

By this time, Herodotus was getting damned tired of everybody picking on him, and roared, "What?"

Ignoring his outburst almost entirely, Hecuba only cooed to the bundle in her arms "Oooji booodgi booodgi!" Finally deciding that the veins in his neck had reached the stage where Scotty would be calling to warn the captain, she said: "Xena. And our Gabrielle. And we have the cutest little grandchild. Isn't it miraculous?"

Meanwhile Xena was loosening the sphincter muscles that had been tightened ever since she had seen her child disappear with Aphrodite. Gabrielle's sphincter muscles. And realised that the joy she was feeling at seeing Eve and the need to hold her, was as strong as her own would have been. And she hung her head, and cursed herself with a fluency that had Seraphin writing stuff down.

Hecuba returned her attention to her husband. "Now you tell whatever is left of those silly singing soldiers of yours to stop fighting this instant and let our daughter-in-law in."

Petulantly, Herodotus refused to accept this turnaround. "But they can't be married! They're..."

But Hecuba had received a divine message. "The Goddess herself, the Goddess of Love, appeared before me. Handed me this child, told me she was theirs, and that their union was blessed by her."

Seraphin looked at Xena with interest. "Cool. I hang with a God and he tries to destroy humanity. You hang with one and they solve your in-law problems."

Xena grimaced. "Uh huh. Let's just say this is one of their good days."

Hecuba slapped her husband's shoulder again. "Hero, are you going to call off your men?"

Herodotus' indecision was interrupted by a mangled scream, followed by a loud thud, just outside the building. Hecuba cocked an ear and smiled, saying "That sounds like our daughter-in-law now! XENA! Dear?"

From the exterior there was silence, and then a hesitant "Momma?"

Hecuba glowed with delight, and turned to face the rest. "She called me Momma!"

Herodotus was now suffering from information overload. "HOW can they be married? And what do you mean grandchild? HOW could there be a GRANDCHILD?"

Xena cleared her throat, but the silky voice interrupted through the door . "Can I say it? Just once? I've always wanted to say it."

Hanging her head, but smiling none the less, Xena called out: "Go ahead."

The voice outside said pompously, "I. Have MANY skills."

This was a final straw. Herodotus' brain nearly exploded. "What the CRAP does that MEAN???"

Hecuba was too happy to worry about such details, of course. "Now the Goddess told me that she has special and important task for our girls to perform, and to do it they must be completely alone. So, Seraphin? Would you be a dear and cut my daughter loose?" Then tugging on her husband's coat, bubbling over the child, they exited the cellar.

Seraphin regarded the warrior with amusement as she freed her. "A task, huh? From the Goddess of Love? I bet it's real hard work. Rolled up sleeves kind of stuff, huh?"

Outside they heard a familiar but very serious sounding voice explaining that everyone should be moved to a safe distance from the hut, and that they were to ignore any smashes, crashes, and especially any screams.

At this, Seraphin's eyes grew much wider. "Oh oh.... Xeee-na? Sounds like Gabrielle's gonna wanta be on top this time. At least."

Xena's response was another example of her wide fluency in many languages, and Seraphin quickly exited as well.

Xena was just getting the circulation going in her arms and wrists when the door opened again. Six feet of barely restrained lust stood in the doorway. Xena swallowed, and raised her hand to give a weak wave. "'Lo Gab."

Gabrielle closed the door and silently began to remove her bracers.

"Need any help?"

Nothing. Boots were next.

"Um. Gab. You know, I've really always tried to be... fair in our relationship. I don't think anyone would accuse me of ALWAYS being, well, let's call it , the dominant one..." Xena continued to babble as the Gabrielle silently and deliberately removed her armor. She did look up briefly, but continued to strip....

Now the author would like to intrude for a moment. (Like you haven't all along? *Quiet, you*) Now, I promised several individuals that in this story there would be an explicit sex scene, unlike any of my other fanfic. There are two main reasons I have never attempted one before.

One: I honestly believe that by definition the act of love is the most intimate of acts, and I feel uncomfortable writing, or even reading, descriptions of it involving persons I feel I know.

Two: I'm really bad at it.

So far my attempts have aroused little prurient interest, instead they've received unrestrained laughter.

But while I was pondering this challenge, I had the good fortune to be privy to a discussion by several respected authors on this very subject. It was their contention that there were only two ways to handle this sort of scene. One was to describe the sensations of one of the participants, while the other was to describe the action as a sort of play by play.

So seizing on this method, I return you to our story.

<Theme music>

"HELLO FELLOW XENITES AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA!"

"WELL, SALLY, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS FOR IT, TOO!

"THAT'S RIGHT BOB! Both players are in position, and it looks like foreplay is about to begin at any moment."

"Tell us about the players, Sal!"

"Well, Bob. At this end we have the statuesque body of Xena, Warrior Princess of Amphipolis which temporarily houses the essence, or soul, of the Bard of Potadaia, Gabrielle. To make this all just a little less confusing..."

"Good luck with that, Sal..."

"....we will call her Potadaia And over here is the height impaired Bard's body playing hostess to Xena's essence. She will be Amphipolis."

"I think that most of our viewers are assuming that Xena's body certainly has the advantage, especially where 'reach' is concerned."

"Yes, but Gabrielle's body has those large hands, which can often be a crucial factor where sexplay in concerned."

"Ah, here we go folks. Gabrielle of Potadaia is now completely naked and the crowd is fairly enthusiastic about that!"

"You've certainly got that right, Bob! Now Xena of Amphipolis in Gabrielle's body has moved to a defensive position behind a large oaken table, and apparently is attempting to reason with the opposition. And Yes... Gabrielle appears to be listening... but oh my! A beautiful move there, Potadaia has picked up the table and tossed it right across the room! Potadaia looking very strong right now. But Amphipolis ducks around the block and is going for the window!...but oh, no! In what may be an illegal move. she doesn't quite make it!
"By the way, Sally, I'm sure the people at home would be interested to know about that table."

"Yes Bob. The same hand-planed oaken top was last seen as an altar in the episode Chakram, and more recently..."

"Here's the announcement many fans have been waiting for! The Halter top is off! It is official! I think Gabrielle's going all the way!"

"Well, d'uh, Bob."

"I think that's going to count as a first down, advantage Potadaia, "

"You can see here on the replay that it was that moment of hesitation, and Amphipolis pays the price as she is hit HARD!"

"Well it's definitely a first down and Potadaia has got lots of room..."

"Hold everything folks, Potadaia has called for a time out..."

<"Xena? You're okay with this, aren't you? I mean..."

"Have I really been this, aggressive?"

"Well, there was that time..."

"Oh yeah... well I hadn't... seen you in a while, and you had that skirt and started whispering how..."

"Uh huh. But you never forced me, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't..."

"Gabrielle. You know if you ever tell anyone about this, I will deny it. I get enough about what an ego I've got. But I almost came when you walked in the door. And not only that..."

"Xena? All I needed to know. Less talk, more action?">

"Okay, play has resumed, and it would appear that Amphipolis has elected to receive!"

"Sal, I didn't hear any whistle, but it must be the end of the first quarter because they're changing ends."

"You know , Bob. I have to wonder whether Amphipolis really came here to win."

"Doesn't she win if she came?"

"Bob. You're a pig."

"thank you Sal, I think it's all in the amount of playing ytime the coach gies them."

"What?"

"That's a good question Sal, so we're going to go down to the field of play, and see if we can talk to either of the participants..."

Well Sally, Bob, if I can just get through to ask Xena and Gabrielle.... it may take me a moment to get their attention, they seem to be complete obsorbed in the action, but, yes, I think, yes, Gabrielle? OH MY GOD'S PLEASE NOT MY......................................

<<<<< WE'RE SORRY.....TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PREVENT US FROM CONTINUING THIS NARROWCAST>>>>>

So can I wrap this up quickly?

Drock and the surviving boys formed the World Wrestling Federation

Seraphin was convinced by Xena to run her fiance as head Reeve for Potadaia.

Lila was signed for season six.

Tim the Enchanter was told to head to Potadaia where he was to told the perfect assistant was waiting for him....

Several body transforming climaxes later Gabrielle staggered outside with her still dazed partner, and nearly stumbled upon a certain couple of bodies still somewhat more dazed, lying apparently unconscious on the ground. They ignored them.

"So you're okay with Eve staying with my Mom?"

Xena staggered over to Argo

"Did you feed her?

"First time you've ever asked that."

"If I could still breast feed, I would"

"Good. I was planning on it"

"You also told me you'd have the baby, didn't help then..."

You really would wouldn't you?"

"Of course."

"I knew that. "

Gabrielle hung her head. "Oh God's. I forgot about Arachnia. And Joxer. What are we supposed to do about them?"

"Well, she's never going to give up. Maybe she needs a new target. there's this guy that that owes me a favour, since most people that tied me up are dead. I think I can convince him to take a partner...

You mean that nut ball Tim? the guy who's after my Bachai Bunny? Why would she give up trying to serve Athena and join up with Tim?"

I don't know. But from what you've told me I think she'll really want to blow up things and search for a wascally Wabbitt.

A wascally Wabbit?

Xena coughed. "I thought you said we were, um, that it was my turn..."

Gabrielle grinned. "I'm just asking your opinion. Are you sure it's safe to leave Arachnia with Joxer?"

"OH! You're worried about leaving them alone because of Athena's curse are you? That she might transform into some giant spider and start chewing on his testicles? Assuming...." The Warrior laughed.

"Please. No. The deal with Athena was that Arachnia only did it to her mate, so I guess he's safe enough. Darn it." Gabrielle gritted her teeth and gazed at the face so close to hers. "Xena? About the mustache..."

Xena placed both hands on her lover's shoulders. "It's okay, it's already wearing off, Gabrielle... so I think we should just move on."

"REALLY?" Gabrielle said suspiciously. "No paybacks? Who are you and what have you done to my Xena?""

Xena replied seriously. "After all we've just learned, I really think we should tried to rise above petty things like paybacks, don't you?"

Gabrielle looked at her partner and placed a hand on her forehead. Xena's expression was bland and open. "Are you sure you're all right?" Gabrielle asked. "You're not feeling feverish..."

Xena answer was disarmingly sweet. "I think that some of your forgiveness has finally rubbed off on me."

Joxer continued to pretend to be unconscious until they rode off, still picturing Gab's naked bottom poised over him as she had changed. He wondered when Xena had found the time to get someone to write those words on those perfect cheeks. In two separate columns descending down the buttocks, Gabrielle's butt had read, in permanent ink, "PROPERTY OF.... and beside it IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO...

His angle hadn't been enough to read the signature he was sure was at the base. "X really does mark the spot." he drooled. His companion moaned and opened her eyes.

Arachnia looked about her in confusion. "My head, what happened? Who are you?"

Joxer blinked and then tried to seem concerned. "Don't you recognize me?"

Arachnia looked at him helplessly " I, I don't remember anything. I don't think I know who I am, or anything!"

Joxer couldn't believe his good fortune. "Are you in luck! I just happen to be an export in recovering lost memories!"

"But who are you?"

"Silly, don't you remember anything? I'm your husband!"

Arachnia felt a small pain inside her mouth, and grimaced. A strange desire took hold of her, and a smile forced it's way onto her face.

."Wonderful. I think I could really use one right now...."

Xena pulled Argo to a halt and raised her hand. "Did you hear something?"

Gabrielle listened for a moment and shook her head. "Like what?"

The warrior shrugged. "I don't know, screaming, cartilage crunching. That sort of thing."

See? It really was a nice day.

Hehehe...